Old/New House and HGTV

With the impending move back to our old house, I’ve spent a lot of time in appliance stores. I was never aware of the serious effort and decision making that went into such a process. Like which way should the fridge open up? What knobs on the stove are the most ergonomic? Stop it I know, my life is so exciting. I was cruising through the aisles looking at the five million different microwaves, when my younger sister, Sarah, pulled me aside and put me in front of a wine dispenser, which she claimed was “perfect for me”. But apparently, it’s not “practical” or something.

Along with appliance shopping, our TV is forever stuck on the HGTV channel. I am not a fan of home improvement shows. However, everyone in my family is, so you can bet I know the evolution of the Property Brother’s hairstyles (just kidding, it hasn’t changed) and the theme song from “House Hunters” down pat. I’m all for the last scene when they show a nice looking room, but that’s about it. My main issue is that every HGTV show is the same. I’ve learned how to tile a backsplash/floor from at least ten of them, and could probably do it with my eyes closed at this point. Anyway, I was watching one the other day (not by choice, of course) and I had a couple thoughts:

1. To answer your burning question, any HGTV show. Because they’re all the same.

2. Okay, fine, it’s “Income Property”.

3. Show begins by showcasing the host Scott McGillivray’s vocabulary, during a montage in which he rips/tears apart different aspects of the house: “ahhhh” “urggg” “nasty”.

4. Update: I’m already bored.

5. Would it be weird to get some snacks while they are showcasing the “rat problem” of the home in question?

6. Starts off by showing the couple, both in sensible matching polos

7. They’ve already got the homeowners in hardhats and safety goggles

8. All right, so Scott has given 50-year-old lady the mallet.

9. Scott: “What could go wrong?”

10. “That is the load bearing wall, let’s not hit that one.”

11. No HGTV show is complete without providing inexperienced homeowners tools, all the while cutting to the host saying how they are in a huge “time crunch” because they need to get the house “on the market ASAP”.

12. I would be the person to be like, no thanks, just call me when it’s over.

13. We’ve now hit the point in the episode where inevitably, black mold is found

14. Here’s a wild idea, why not buy a house that does not include rats or black mold? Cause house inspections are for the weak? Like to live on the edge?

15. Please no, do not teach me how to tile floor. I will hire someone for that job.

16. WOW, so this episode just took a turn. Asbestos is found. That literally never happens. (And by “never happens”, I mean “always happens”)

17. I’m starting to realize that Scott looks like he should be the third Property Brother

18. Scott has figured out a structural solution.

19. “We’re gonna need another $15,000”

20. Do they ever back out of these things? Like can you be like, “you know what, I plan on eating for the next two years, so I’m gonna live with the asbestos and rats”

21. I’m realizing the hosts of these shows either have some serious hair or no hair.

22. e.g. Scott vs. Bryan Baeumler, property bros vs. Mike Holmes

23. In other news, I hate myself for knowing their full names

24. Couple has now turned to upgraded polos for the reveal

25. The husband has said “hip” approximately 12 times

26. Wife has started crying.

27. Holmes on Homes is starting

28. No thanks. Too many overalls going on there.

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